I thought about skipping Christmas and my birthday this year. There just didn't seem to be much to celebrate.
A month ago, I had been counting down the days, carefully planning holiday crafts, shopping lists and at least four weeks of festivities. I was finally Nutcracker-free and was ready to enjoy every moment of the holidays I had been previously denied under performing contracts for the last twenty years of my life. It was going to be the best Christmas of my life.
About four or five weeks ago a friend of mine asked me, "do you feel like you need your life to change in some way?" My answer was no. My life was comfortable and change was scary. Over the last three weeks, every aspect of my life has changed in the scariest way possible.
Losing Jason changed everything. Christmas didn't seem important anymore. Nor did work or dance or all the activities that I thought made up my life. My heart was shattered and I felt lost.
I know they say that "time heals all wounds," but I'm not sure that I want this one to heal. As the grief settles in, I begin to see the good that God does in the midst of it. Young relationships have been made stronger, old ones have proven their worth and love has flooded through every aspect of my life. Although I'm heartbroken over the circumstances, I am so grateful for what I've discovered in those that I'm surrounded by.
The Christmas season did eventually begin for me this year, but not until the 19th. On that Friday, hope returned. As I was surrounded by three of my closest friends, the hole in my heart felt a little less hollow. Although the wound will never heal, it gave me a greater apprecation for what I've been given and the humble hope of the gifts to come.
This Christmas was nothing I thought it would be, but it's still the best one I've yet to experience. It had nothing to do with the perfect gift or the greatest party, but the depth of love in the family and friends I'm so lucky to have. It was exactly what Christmas is supposed to be.
4 months ago
