25 Random Facts

I don't do these often but the mood was right so here you go.

1. I've been in two beauty pageants. One actually was a scholarship competition. I didn't feel beautiful enough to be in either of them.

2. I met my very best friend in Kindergarten. I miss her every day.

3. I fell in love with dance at the age of four. It has been the most difficult relationship I have ever been in.

4. I tell people that I didn't actually have an eating disorder but I think I did.

5. I have a scar on my stomach that saved my life. I'm scared my future husband will think it's gross.

6. I can't remember the last day I didn't eat chocolate.

7. When I see elderly men in the grocery store, I always want to talk to them or ask them if I can help them. I never have.

8. I hate drinking anything with calories in it.

9. I eat Skittles and M&Ms in specific color combinations.

10. I secretly dream of being a fantastic drummer.

11. Most days I think I fit in better in Boston.

12. I will always regret not getting to attend my fourth year of college.

13. On my first birthday I threw up on my cake.

14. I'm almost never honest with people when I'm mad at them. I'm too afraid to hurt their feelings.

15. I've been a Christian my whole life. God is still one of the most mysterious things I have ever encountered. I hate not knowing the whys. Although I hope everyone experiences that kind of love at least once in their life.

16. I refused to eat breakfast until about high school.

17. My dad was injured and unemployed for two years when I was in Junior High. It was the greatest thing he ever did for me.

18. I work very hard but I don't always know what I'm working toward.

19. I've always wished that I had lived with my sisters when we were growing up. I would cry if they missed one of their weekends with us.

20. Fall is my very favorite time of year.

21. My roommate from college is one of my very favorite people in the whole world. Judging by my freshman year, I would've never guessed we would be friends. When I realized that she knew the choreography to Newsies, I knew I couldn't live without her.

22. I still sleep with a stuffed animal.

23. I usually go to a store at least three times before I buy something.

24. I want to be a writer someday. I'm afraid that I won't have anything important to say should the opportunity present itself.

25. I love my job even though it is overwhelming for me right now. I hope it is merely one of many careers I get to experience in my lifetime. I hope one of them is to own a candy store, bakery or ice cream parlor.

Candy Hearts

As you are well aware, I'm a huge fan of pretty much anything with sugar in it, but I must admit, the candy hearts just don't do it for me. They're chalky, they're trite, they don't taste very good and they represent everything I hate about Valentine's Day. Yes, I know it's over but I'm running late to pretty much everything anymore so please forgive my tardiness.

There's always been something about Valentine's Day that really bothers me and I dread it almost every year. Am I supposed to buy a gift? If we're going out, what do I wear? Do I get a card? What do I say? There's a lot of pressure. And I usually crack under it. I feel awkward and clumsy and usually terribly unlike myself.

But I think what I resent most of all is that it's calendared. There seems to be this sense of obligation to feel a particular way or say a particular thing on that day of all days and it really stresses me out. The heart has no calendar and it isn't more or less inclined towards anything just because it's Valentines Day. Fancy gifts and fine dining have no meaning unless there's true sentiment behind them. If you love someone you should tell them when it's on your heart, not when cupids are hanging in store windows and candles are on the table. The most romantic moments are the most spontaneous and honest ones. It's saying the things that make you vulnerable because you just have to say them. It's saying too much too soon and putting all your cards on the table with no guarantees that your gamble will pay off. It's saying what you really mean exactly when you really mean it.

I spent Valentine's Day in the most ordinary of ways this year. I spent the afternoon working and the evening eating pizza and watching a very unromantic movie. But I spent it with the right guy. A guy that I could totally be myself with. A guy that I could be quiet with, laugh with and be completely lazy with. And that made it perfect. Last time I checked, that didn't come on a candy heart.

Deja Vu

My relationship with dance over the last few years has been tenuous to say the least. I struggle to make it to class two times a week and I usually leave depressed and dejected. I can't make my body do what it used to and I feel like I disappoint myself every time I enter the studio. I sometimes wonder why I still go. I certainly am happy to not perform for awhile but there's this part of me that just can't walk away from it altogether. It's at those times that I realize my alternative is the gym and I just can't handle that.

Tonight, I'm not sure what happened, but for a few brief moments, I remembered why I loved dancing. For some reason, my body seemed to obey my brain and the pain subsided long enough for me to feel like I could fly and float again. It probably didn't look like much but it felt incredible.

I know I claim to hate dance sometimes, but it's really because I love it so much. No matter what side of the spectrum I may be on, I'm always passionate about it. They say the opposite of love isn't hate but indifference. I guess that goes to show that it still has a strong hold on my heart. As much as dance frustrates me sometimes, I love knowing that it still means something to me.