A Trying Season

They say there's a season for everything and this has certainly been a sad one.

I've spent many days of this past month sitting in a courtroom just yards away from the young man that hit Jason. Through trial arguments and photographs and witness testimony, I've relived Jason's death all over again. In more gruesome detail than I did the first time. I've seen a family wrestle with a depth of grief that is truly unimaginable. And I've watched another family lose their son for the next 15 years of his life.

It's a humbling thing to be witness to a moment that will change someone's life forever. And even more terrifying to be a part of it.

I have to say that nothing could have prepared me for this. And I'm not sure I'm happy about the role I played.

As much as I loved Jason and as devastated as I am by his absence, this trial offered little consolation to me. If anything, it made it worse. Jason's death was truly a tragedy. And the events of this past month haven't made his death any less tragic. Whether they sentenced this man for three years or eighty-five years, Jason is still gone and any sense of justice or restitution doesn't make me feel any better.

I know there has to be consequences for reckless behavior but I thought it was supposed to bring reason and healing to a situation. I feel like my heart has been hollowed out even further. I don't really know what I expected of all this but whatever it was, I didn't get it.

I've watched other, new tragedies unfold over the last few weeks and I have to wonder when it will end. These bastions of certainty that I've taken for granted for so many years are beginning to crumble around me and all I can do is watch.

I know that all this can be molded into something good but boy what a mess we're in right now. But seasons change. And that's the beauty of them.